WELL, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!
Innocent as I am, I walked into my local grocers to pick up a few well-needed supplies--booze and pancake mix! You know, just the usual stuff.
As I wandered through the aisles, I heard suspicious snuffles and an occasional sneeze from aisles close by.
Being the wise person I am, I decided I'd skip those aisles and come back to them later when the snorts, snuffles and sneezes had disappeared.
The LAST thing I want is a COLD!
Laugh if you want, but to us old coots, catching a cold can be the beginning of 3-4 weeks of utter misery!
It immediately poops in your lungs--which is why your mouth tastes bad and your breath is foul enough to cause your spouse to move you into the guest room--"so you can sleep undisturbed!"
You no sooner get comfortable in there than this monster cold stuffs itself into your sinuses by lying on its back in your nose and sticking one foot into both your left and right sinuses.
Then it starts kicking!
Aboud thad dime you sdard dalkin' l'ak dis!
See? It even makes you digress!
To get back to what I was saying, I wandered on through the store picking up items of interest and dropping then carefully into my cart. Came to the liquor section and discovered they were giving 10% discount on any six bottles of wine.
Can't pass up a deal like THAT can you? Bought 6 various bottles of Cabernet, Shiraz (Australian) and Merlot. Added two bottles of French Columbard and one of Chardonnay, to be sure I have enough.
Finally, after cruising through the produce section picking up everything BUT spinach and lettuce (no e-coli for ME, --nossir!) I proceeded to the checkout stand.
Ye Gods! $138.20 total! Must be the extra cans of veggies I bought!
"Will that be all, sir--hu, hu, hu" the cashier lady asks?
"Hu, hu" I snap back, thinking it's a pretty snappy comeback!
"Yes," she says. "Is dere anyding elzz--Hu, hu, HAAAA-CHOOOO!" she sprays.
I'm too stunned to move! She sneezed all over me and my groceries!
I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Grabbed my stuff, stuffed it into a cart--ran it out to the car and stuffed it into the trunk. Left the parking lot with smoking tires.
Couldn't eben bead the damn'd co'd homb!
Dad wad dree weegs ago! I'b still strugglin' w'id geddin' ober d'is thingd!
Just leabe me alone--I wanna' die in peace. Bud before I go, I'm gonna' ged eben w'id d'at cashier!
Nexd dime I'b gonna' hand her by snoddy check!
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